Karin, Zack and I were going to see some family who lived in a fairly remote area out in the woods. We were taking a good friends son, Sullivan, with us. We could only drive in so far and then we had to walk up this hill to get the rest of the way. It was the middle of fall. Leaves had fallen from the trees and the ground was covered with them. As we ascended the hill, only about a minutes walk, the climate changed to that of winter with 4 inches of snow covering the ground at the top. As we got to the top there was a break in the tree line and suddenly there was water flooding in. My dad and step mother were there now as well, going to see the same family. I turned around to check and see if everyone was ok. The water was was running up hill from the lower land we came from and was beginning to flood where we were. I turned forward and Sullivan thought it was fun to go with the water which was starting to rush. I told Karin to get everyone into the trailer house just in front of us and reached out and just barely grabbed Sullivan before he was swept away. I looked back and told Karin to make sure he went them. There were now so many people coming up the hill that were seemingly lost wandering from the woods and not aware of the rushing snowy waters. I told Karin that I must help them and I would be back soon.
As I went to warn them, I lost my foothold and slid down the hill. My brothers dad, my ex-stepfather, was there rounding up family and trying to get them to a safe place. I jumped into his van, my brother, Kingsley, was with him. The water was coming from everywhere and it was now winter. As we drove to find a safe place, there was devastation all around us. Homes and small towns were abandoned and everything looked as if it were in a state of dis-repair. We kept getting further and further from Karin and Zack. I wasn't sure if I was going to get back we were hundreds of miles from them driving across a lake that had been frozen over. We felt like we were trying to get away from impending doom. It was a white out from the bright snow with occassional small clusters of newly made communities of people that had lost all there belongings and there homes.
We had arrived at what I felt was my dad's home. People and kids not being supervised were as far as I could see in the neighborhood. I was panicked for Karin and kept explaining to everyone I needed to find her and Zack. I had no way of getting there. Anyones sense of what was, had been replaced with chaos and fear. There were no familiar landmarks. I would attempt to go out and look for her, but what things used to geographically look like were masked by people setting up refugee cities and covering streets and roads. Cars were not available anymore. Most had been abandoned and did not run. My dad and step mother seem to make it back to their house. They told me all the computers for my business had been stolen and they did not know where Karin and Zack were. I felt totally lost and filled with anxiety. I ran an internet business and now my ability to communicate with anyone had been stolen. I felt like my livelyhood was gone and I became lost within myself. I was not and could not function mentally anymore. The overwhelming feeling of loss had overtaken me. I was not able to take care of myself. My step mother and dad took care of me as if I were a young child. I was not able to comprehend much. I felt like an outcast and even the children ignored me.
One late afternoon, after what seemed like a couple of years later, we were at a dining facility. Patty, my stepmother, was trying to explain to me as if I were 4 or 5 that she thought she found Karin. Chills of excitement shuttered thru my body and I felt like I was waking from a dense fog. I had trouble speaking. My mouth felt numb from not being used to speak and I was drooling. I slowly could feel my cognitive abilities returning to me and began to cry and asked her to call and find out if were her and ask Karin to come to me.
Within an hour Karin arrived at the dinning facility. She was wearing a red cloak and beret. Her clothes were very clean and pressed. She was decorated with many badges on her shirt which looked like an adult 'brownie' outfit. When she entered the room, I rose from my seat and walked toward her. I was overcome with grief and unbelief . I was so happy she was alive and had done so well for herself. I always knew she had a deep inner strength and could do what was needed when the chips were down. As we walked toward each other, she seemed distant and confident with her life. As we met face to face I wrapped my arms around her and fell to my knees sobbing, holding her around her waist and feeling her stomach upon my face. I never thought I would feel this pleasure again. I was weeping uncontrollably and trying to explain that I had searched and searched and that I was only able recently to think again and that it wasn't my fault, that I had been lost in myself. As I held her tightly I knew she was my soulmate and I knew that without her saying a word, that she had become a professional woman and by the many badges on her shirt and cloak, that Zack was becoming a successful young man. I kept trying to explain myself and felt like she was taking pitty on me.
I stood up and kissed her. My face and my lips were wet with my tears when I kissed her. Her lips were warm and soft and knew it was her. I thought I would never feel the comfort and peace of kissing those lips ever again. I whispered to her as I grabbed her face and told here she was the love of my life and that we were soul mates. As I spoke it to her, I felt like I hadn't said that often enough before hell had broken loose, and the look on her face said she agreed and that she deeply appreciated it and needed to hear it.
In the dream, I felt like a man who became a lost child and once I found what I was looking for, that I was not worthy to have it. I feared I would not be accepted and deeply needed to hear from her that she agreed we were soul mates. Something, until now in my life, that I had not fully agreed with because I did not believe in creating soul ties. But at the moment I saw her again, I believed in destiny and knew it was destiny that had brought us back together. That no matter what had happened, our lives had come back together. I felt that I had lost my control over her. Perhaps an unhealthy control. I felt she was now a successful woman who had made it on her own without me and perhaps felt like she didn't need me anymore. I couldn't bear losing her again. I felt we had so much time stolen from us and that we weren't able to fully cultivate our marriage into a blossoming beautiful plant that had never been seen or experienced. The kind of plant that couldn't be explained because it was a new species and no one knew what it's potential for beauty was.
At this moment I feel I am waking from deep fog that has shrouded our relationship and that i need to encourage her more, and not be fearful that she will become successful and not want me any longer.
As I went to warn them, I lost my foothold and slid down the hill. My brothers dad, my ex-stepfather, was there rounding up family and trying to get them to a safe place. I jumped into his van, my brother, Kingsley, was with him. The water was coming from everywhere and it was now winter. As we drove to find a safe place, there was devastation all around us. Homes and small towns were abandoned and everything looked as if it were in a state of dis-repair. We kept getting further and further from Karin and Zack. I wasn't sure if I was going to get back we were hundreds of miles from them driving across a lake that had been frozen over. We felt like we were trying to get away from impending doom. It was a white out from the bright snow with occassional small clusters of newly made communities of people that had lost all there belongings and there homes.
We had arrived at what I felt was my dad's home. People and kids not being supervised were as far as I could see in the neighborhood. I was panicked for Karin and kept explaining to everyone I needed to find her and Zack. I had no way of getting there. Anyones sense of what was, had been replaced with chaos and fear. There were no familiar landmarks. I would attempt to go out and look for her, but what things used to geographically look like were masked by people setting up refugee cities and covering streets and roads. Cars were not available anymore. Most had been abandoned and did not run. My dad and step mother seem to make it back to their house. They told me all the computers for my business had been stolen and they did not know where Karin and Zack were. I felt totally lost and filled with anxiety. I ran an internet business and now my ability to communicate with anyone had been stolen. I felt like my livelyhood was gone and I became lost within myself. I was not and could not function mentally anymore. The overwhelming feeling of loss had overtaken me. I was not able to take care of myself. My step mother and dad took care of me as if I were a young child. I was not able to comprehend much. I felt like an outcast and even the children ignored me.
One late afternoon, after what seemed like a couple of years later, we were at a dining facility. Patty, my stepmother, was trying to explain to me as if I were 4 or 5 that she thought she found Karin. Chills of excitement shuttered thru my body and I felt like I was waking from a dense fog. I had trouble speaking. My mouth felt numb from not being used to speak and I was drooling. I slowly could feel my cognitive abilities returning to me and began to cry and asked her to call and find out if were her and ask Karin to come to me.
Within an hour Karin arrived at the dinning facility. She was wearing a red cloak and beret. Her clothes were very clean and pressed. She was decorated with many badges on her shirt which looked like an adult 'brownie' outfit. When she entered the room, I rose from my seat and walked toward her. I was overcome with grief and unbelief . I was so happy she was alive and had done so well for herself. I always knew she had a deep inner strength and could do what was needed when the chips were down. As we walked toward each other, she seemed distant and confident with her life. As we met face to face I wrapped my arms around her and fell to my knees sobbing, holding her around her waist and feeling her stomach upon my face. I never thought I would feel this pleasure again. I was weeping uncontrollably and trying to explain that I had searched and searched and that I was only able recently to think again and that it wasn't my fault, that I had been lost in myself. As I held her tightly I knew she was my soulmate and I knew that without her saying a word, that she had become a professional woman and by the many badges on her shirt and cloak, that Zack was becoming a successful young man. I kept trying to explain myself and felt like she was taking pitty on me.
I stood up and kissed her. My face and my lips were wet with my tears when I kissed her. Her lips were warm and soft and knew it was her. I thought I would never feel the comfort and peace of kissing those lips ever again. I whispered to her as I grabbed her face and told here she was the love of my life and that we were soul mates. As I spoke it to her, I felt like I hadn't said that often enough before hell had broken loose, and the look on her face said she agreed and that she deeply appreciated it and needed to hear it.
In the dream, I felt like a man who became a lost child and once I found what I was looking for, that I was not worthy to have it. I feared I would not be accepted and deeply needed to hear from her that she agreed we were soul mates. Something, until now in my life, that I had not fully agreed with because I did not believe in creating soul ties. But at the moment I saw her again, I believed in destiny and knew it was destiny that had brought us back together. That no matter what had happened, our lives had come back together. I felt that I had lost my control over her. Perhaps an unhealthy control. I felt she was now a successful woman who had made it on her own without me and perhaps felt like she didn't need me anymore. I couldn't bear losing her again. I felt we had so much time stolen from us and that we weren't able to fully cultivate our marriage into a blossoming beautiful plant that had never been seen or experienced. The kind of plant that couldn't be explained because it was a new species and no one knew what it's potential for beauty was.
At this moment I feel I am waking from deep fog that has shrouded our relationship and that i need to encourage her more, and not be fearful that she will become successful and not want me any longer.
No comments:
Post a Comment